A Cautionary Tale of Two Men, One Marker Pen, and Zero Brain Cells
Mac and Mill: A Sharpie-Fuelled Crime Caper
Once upon a time, in a sleepy corner of Iowa where the cows outnumber the IQ points of local criminals, two brave souls set out to become legends. They succeeded, but for all the wrong reasons.
Meet Matthew McNelly (23) and Joey Miller (20). Or, as we’ll affectionately call them, Mac and Mill. These two men dared to dream big, drink heavily, and commit crimes with the cunning and grace of two pigeons fighting over a Greggs sausage roll.
The Master Plan
It all began on a cold October evening in 2009. After a few drinks, well, more than a few, and the kind of jealousy that normally lives in Taylor Swift songs, Mac decided it was time to settle the score with a local man. This Casanova was suspected of making sweet love to Mac’s girlfriend. And yes, she was real, and not blown up.
Most criminals, when embarking on this sort of activity, might think, “Hey, let’s wear masks.” The least they would consider would be a scarf, balaclava, or even a hoodie on backwards. Any of those would’ve been an improvement on the idea Mac and Mill came up with.
These two masterminds came up with a Sharpie of a plan. Armed with a permanent marker, a U in GCSE Art, and a degree in stupidity, they drew their disguises directly onto their faces. Black marker masks. What could possibly go wrong?
If you’ve ever dealt with a toddler who’s drawn spots on a Labrador to make it a Dalmatian, you probably already know where this story is going. Just me then!
The Not-So-Getaway Vehicle
Yes, you guessed it, the disguise did not come off. Not with water. Not with soap. Not even with their mother’s spit.
So now, Mac and Mill were drunk and permanently doodled on. They staggered into a 1994 Buick Roadmaster, a car not known for stealth or speed, and drove off into infamy.
Firstly, the hapless duo didn’t actually manage to rob anything. The plan was better than the execution, a problem many men have after a few drinks. They didn’t even make it to the house to deal with the budding relationship.
However, it wasn’t all bad. They did manage to catch the attention of pretty much everyone who saw them. They must have thought they were famous, which is probably why their next move was to grin at a traffic camera.
Now, what we all know, but Mac and Mill didn’t, is this: if you drive around looking like the villain in a low-budget mime horror film, people notice.
The Arrest
When the police pulled over the master criminals, they were sorely disappointed. Instead of the Kray twins, they got two very drunk men who looked like they’d lost a fight with a Crayola factory.
Police Chief Ray Caylor, a man with 28 years of law enforcement under his belt, said it best:
We’re very skilled investigators, and the black faces gave them away.
Translation:
We didn’t even need to ask for ID. They basically arrested themselves.
You have to feel for the poor police officers trying to do their job while pissing themselves laughing. Mac and Mill were eventually charged with attempted burglary and, no surprise, driving while intoxicated.
The Trial of the Century
On October 30th, the duo waddled into court. By this time, with the help of time and a Brillo pad, they were clean. Possibly even sober.
Judge Christopher Polking, probably trying very hard not to smirk, dismissed the burglary charges.
The reasoning? They were too drunk to even enter the house. No weapons. No injuries. And clearly, no crime.
Their punishment? Eternal shame, and the fact that their mugshots now live forever on the internet, under search terms like “Dumbest criminal disguise ever.”
Mac and Mill
Mac and Mill didn’t make off with riches, respect, or revenge. What they did earn was an honorary degree in Criminal Stupidity and a place in the Hall of Infamy, right next to the guy who tried to rob a petrol station with a banana.
They also taught all would-be criminals an important lesson: Sharpie pens do not make a good disguise. They are for labelling Tupperware.
Brilliant. I laughed so hard
Great story!