If I Were A Soap Character 5 or Whatever
Port Charles has a lot going on, so I am needed there
My new adventure begins at Charlie’s. Kristina is bartending because Lucky left again without warning anyone, again. Thank Agnes Nixon that Liz and Ric are slowly making their way back to one another.
Who knew one day I would be bored by LL2?
“So, yeah, anyway, Ava caused the death of my baby,” Kristina is yammering on. I haven’t heard a word she’s said because I don’t want to.
“Listen, Krissy, sweetie, I am going to tell you the same thing I said to Melania Trump. Dress like the Hamburgular if you need help, don’t expect anyone to assist you because nobody likes you,” I said. Her mouth fell open. “Good talk. Go to the character closet and stay there.”
“That was rude,” Weeping Willow admonished me.
“If I had the patience to talk to you,” I struggled to come up with an analogy. “You’re not even worth it.”
“Don’t you think you should be nicer?”
“Don’t you think the writers should give you one personality before they try giving you multiple personalities?”
She scrunched her face, I rolled eyes, Sidwell laughed. Ah, finally someone to help me escape further conversation with Weepy Willow.
“Jenz, darling, I have someone that you need to meet,” I said to him as I pulled out the seat across from him. “Meet Kristina Corinthos.”
“I’m well ware of her, I tried to kill her.”
“Yes, but you didn’t do a very good job of it, now did you?”
I stood up and sat Kristina down in the chair across from him. Let her torment him for a bit. Weepy Willow was still around, but I figured she would find someone else to bother and bore.
As I walked out of Charlies, I ran into NuMikey. He smiled at me but seemed to be trying to get around talking to me, which was just not going to happen. There were important business matters that needed to be discussed.
“NuMikey, we need to talk about the budget,” I called to him.
“That’s not my…”
“Save it for someone who wants to hear you talk,” I said. “We’re cutting the wardrobe budget. You’re going to be shirtless for all of your scenes from now on. You and Chase,” I paused. “Isaiah too. Let them know that this is part of how I’m saving the show.”
“Shouldn’t we do that through innovative storytelling and drawing in viewers?”
“This is General Hospital, not Succession,” I said. “Viewers don’t want convoluted business stories. They want to see hunks half dressed and a romance plot here and there.”
“Can I be shirtless too?” Drew QuarterCain asked, interrupting me and NuMikey.
“Oh, sweetie, no,” I answered. “People don’t like you. And this time, I’m not even saying people as a stand-in for me. Viewers hate you and want to see you killed off in a classic whodunit where the murderer gets away with their crime. Hell, maybe even Laura giving the culprit a key to the city would be at hand.”
“But why do people hate me?”
“Well, you slept with your nephew’s wife in a nursery. You blackmailed more people than I can list here. You tried to frame your Aunt Tracy for drugging you in some weird scheme to use the Quartermain name,” I said before I took a breath. “But the worst crime is that you’re just not entertaining.”
Before he could respond, we heard someone screeching. I braced myself. I knew who was coming.
“Dr. Screechington, nobody likes you. Please back your bags and move to Fairmont Crest. You can take up a new identity there,” I said. Portia looked at me like she was about to screech again. “I am no fan of Curtis and Jordan reuniting, so I am going to work tirelessly to find someone better for him. Maybe Alexis. Maybe Ava. Maybe Isaiah.”
“But I am a beloved member of the Port Charles community. Some have called me a pillar,” she declared.
“No one has ever said that, not even you. Now be gone.”
I was amazed when she actually vanished. Who else did I need to talk to? Then she appeared out of nowhere, like she does in a lot of episodes. Ms. Carly Spencer herself. All holier than thou and ready to pretend to be an angel.
“I heard you told my son that you are cutting…”
“Carly, shut up,” I got the death glare from her, but I returned it. “You used to be interesting. The schemes you came up with, the lives you ruined. The stories that you drove. Now you’re a passenger on a Greyhound bus and less interesting.”
“That’s not fair, I….” she started to say. “Go on.”
“Here’s what you need to do. Find a sex tape of Drew and Nina, show it at Weeping Willow’s wedding. That should make for some interesting drama. And maybe kick off the ‘Who Killed Drew’ storyline.”
“I like it. And it’s classic Carly. Taking down two enemies instead of just one. I can get on board with this.”
“Yeah, but let’s not go the route of you and Nina restarting World War Granny,” I said. “Sometimes you two can be friends. Sometimes enemies. Hell, maybe even sometimes lesbian lovers.”
“You have shared Sonny and Drew, it might make sense.”
“Of course it will,” I said. “Now go, be evil and stir the pot. Learn from Tracy.”
And thus another day in Port Charles came to a close for me.
For more soap shenanigans here’s the last If I Were A Soap Character:
If I Were A Soap Character: Back To Port Charles
At the Metro Court, I inspect rooms that look above the pool. There is no way that I want Kristina to fall from another one. That baby story lasted 5 years too long. And technically, it’s still going on, just in a different form.
‘Hamburglar’! Great line! :)